Before I had kids, I had this skewed vision of the conversations that mothers have with their small children. It was very cute and innocent (and completely naive) of me, looking back now, but very far off from reality, none-the-less.
I dreamed of cuddling my crying baby, whispering a lullaby into his little ears, and the tears would immediately stop while he simultaneously fell asleep in my arms. I imagined that as my child grew to be a toddler, I might say things like "No, no, sweetie, we don't do that" and he would run up to me saying, "I sorry mommy!" and give me a big hug and we would run off into a field of flowers jumping and laughing and singing.
But as we all know, that's just not how it goes. And not just when it comes to crying and tantrums. A lot of the conversations I have with Niall, and even Brendan, are just so incredibly strange, I never in a million years could have imagined that these would be things I would be saying to my child.
So here they are, the 10 things I never thought I'd say to my child:
10) Just wait a minute, Niall. You can have a turn with the machete when Quinn is finished.
9) If you put your pants on, I'll let you watch a show.
8) Niall, will you grab me that razor? Brendan likes to hold it while I change his diaper.
7) I'm going to have a panic attack if you don't stop dipping your hand in the toilet water!!
6) You can't wear a rain boot on one foot and a sneaker on the other-- well, actually, that's kind of cute. Let's just go...
5) Score!!! This one's not diarrhea!!
4) No, Niall, that's not called a fuckle-sword, it's a screwdriver.
3) Just wipe your snot on your sleeve-- not the couch
2) Go fetch Brendan! (literally, I throw a ball across the room and he brings it back and drops it at my feet.)
1) You can only put your hands down your pants at home-- please don't do that in public
And yes, I have actually said every one of these things-- most, on multiple occasions.
Happy Friday :)