Friday, March 16, 2012

More to Love

I honestly thought, while I was pregnant with Brendan, "how am I going to love another child as much as I love Niall?"  It actually worried me a little, even though everyone reassured me that it just happens in this unexplainable way-- and I knew it would.  But seriously, HOW?  I love Niall so much and it was hard to imagine.

Then Brendan came along and I had that immediate overwhelming love and bond that everyone spoke of.  But after spending 4 days in the hospital because of my c-section, poor Niall was wondering where on earth his mom and dad disappeared to.  And it put a knot in my stomach thinking about his sadness and confusion.

When he came to the hospital, he was definitely not thrilled about meeting his new brother.  I've never seen him act that way-- just completely apathetic; not just toward Brendan, but toward us.  He didn't want to hug me or talk to me, and it really took a toll on my emotions.

After he went home, I felt this guilt for loving Brendan-- like I was cheating Niall with each kiss and hug I gave this new baby.  I hated being in that hospital bed, wanting to cuddle my sweet little Brendan, but wanting even more to be home with Niall, proving to him how much I still loved him.  It was the strangest feeling and I wondered if it would ever go away.

When we got home from the hospital, Niall was still distant and I really pumped the brakes on showing affection to Brendan.  Now, I felt I was cheating him.  Would this sick cycle ever end!?

The point is... YES.  It does end.  And it doesn't take 8 weeks for it to happen-- it just takes 8 weeks for me to put all of those crazy feelings into perspective and find the words to express what was going on.

It's absolutely amazing how much I love these 2 kiddos the exact same amount but in completely different ways.  It's like apples and oranges.  Now I finally understand how it just works itself out.  While I'm holding and kissing Brendan, Niall is right next to me giggling and squeezing his hand (usually a little too hard).  And while I'm playing legos and trains with Niall, Brendan is in the bumbo or the snuggle nest, watching his brother intently-- just yearning for the day he can join in.

Seriously, this kid is ready to be a big boy... he is already trying desperately to roll over.  Not to mention his love for the bumbo-- a seat that is probably meant for 6 months +.  (Don't worry, he has really good neck control and I usually put a pillow behind his head).

I like to say that Niall is my favorite boy in the world and Brendan is my favorite baby in the world.  Brendan can't say the incredibly funny and adorable things that Niall says, and Niall can't make the heartwarming "goo-gaa" noises that Brendan makes.  Niall is the kindest, sweetest boy I know and Brendan is the cutest little wide-eyed chunker I know.  It's just that simple.  They are loved equally, but in completely different ways.

And did I mention how much Brendan LOVES Niall?  It's kind of crazy how Niall can be "head knocking" (as Niall likes to call it) this poor baby, yelling in his ear, and putting all of his body weight on Brendan's tiny stomach... and the little guy is smiling through it all.  He will be fussing and crying and squirming up a storm, but when Niall walks in the room and he hears his voice, it all stops.  It's unbelievable.

It has taken me way too long to post something sentimental and thoughtful up here, but I needed time to rest and recharge and just post some cute pictures for a while.  Now I'm ready to share some of the stories and feelings that I worry I might forget in a year.  The time is going by so fast; even faster than it did when Niall was a baby.  I'm so grateful for my sweet little boys and can't wait to see what's to come.

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1 comment:

  1. I found you on Top Mommy Blogs! I like your new header--I think it's really cute and your boys look SO sweet! I love their St. Patty's Day outfits!


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