Friday, July 1, 2011

Flashback Friday

Flashback to last night.  I had an unbelievable nightmare that truly horrified me.  I woke up trembling and had to run into Niall's room, wake him up and just hold him.

Niall was riding one of those little toddler bikes; a three wheeler, low to the ground.  Even though in real life, he can't efficiently maneuver one of those, he could in the dream.  We were at a carnival and Niall was riding his bike right in front of me. 

All of a sudden, he was pedaling faster and faster and I had to run to keep up with him.  He turned a corner and when I ran around it after him, he was gone. 

At first, I was confident I would find him.  How could a less than 2 year old on a little bike disappear into thin air?  I kept running, looking down every row of games and toys.  But then I started to panic.  More than 10 minutes had passed; I couldn't reason that he was just around the next corner anymore.  I had no idea where he was.

I just kept running.  I had to keep looking.  I tore through toys and stuffed animals and costumes.  I was screaming and asking everyone I passed if they had seen a little boy on a bike.  At this point, I was completely frantic and defeated.  I didn't think I would ever see Niall again.  I really didn't.

I went back through the carnival the same way I came, still looking, hoping, but sure that I wouldn't find him.  Just then, I saw his little face through a group of people sitting around him.  4 men had taken him.  I just ran up and grabbed Niall out of their hands.  His little nose was broken, bruises and scratches on his face, he was barely conscious.

And then I woke up.  After I got through the shock of what my sick and twisted subconscious had just conjured up, I realized that the moral of this story is not that I should keep Niall locked in a bubble and never let any harm come his way, but that all I can do is be the best parent I can be, and hope and pray that everything will be ok.

There will be times when he is at a friend's house or on a field trip or playing in the woods and I won't be there.  I can't keep him from doing all the fun things that kids do and I can't be a mom leech who never lets him do anything unless I'm holding his hand.  Sometimes, you just have to let go and trust that everything will be ok.  I think that might be the hardest part of being a parent, and it will take me a while to actually do it, but I'll get there.

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  1. Oh gosh, that IS scary. But I think it's normal to fear losing what we love the most. I sometimes have those kinds of dreams about my closest people too.

  2. Those kinds of dreams are terrifying!! Really shakes you to your core! Letting go is definitely the hardest part of motherhood, I struggle with that,too!

  3. holy crap what a nightmare! those are the kind where i wake up & immediately breath a HUGE sigh of relief that it's just a dream.


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